It’s the most wonderful time of the year. But is it? It certainly isn’t for everyone.
I used to love Christmas. Sparkly lights, mulled wine, overindulgent food, festive gatherings. You name it, I was in to it. Until last year when my perspective totally changed.
The first Christmas without my mum was always going to be hard. But I didn’t know that it would come so soon. I had barely accepted her diagnosis (of Motor Neurone Disease in June 2017), let alone her death (four month later). I was both heartbroken and empty, feeling all the “wrong” feelings and none of the “right” ones for the festive time of year. I was angry that my life had changed so much and jealous of anyone who could and would still have a normal Christmas. I was certainly anything but joyful and that can be really tough when it is impossible to escape the “tis the season to be jolly” messaging that consumes us at this time of year.
That’s the real problem; the pressure and expectation that we should all feel and act in a certain way just because it is a particular time of year. It’s everywhere – from shiny billboards and John Lewis advert hype to never-ending posts on social media, we are bombarded with festive cheer for three months straight. However, when you’re not conforming to this feeling of merriment – whether online or offline (read: on social media or inside your own head), you feel like a failure, which makes being miserable all the more so and thus the circle continues. I feel guilty because this year I am contributing to the problem. Working in social media, I write captions to inspire – what brand wants to risk bringing a downer on Christmas with some real talk? And thus the circle continues again.
Last Christmas I went through the motions – attending a festive dinner with friends, buying presents and posing for an Instagram snap on Christmas Day – when all I was thinking was ‘no, I’m not feeling fucking festive,’ when people asked. I just wanted to crawl under my duvet and hide until the whole period was done with.
But I got through it and I thankfully still had a loving (albeit grieving) family to surround me – imagine what Christmas is like for people much less fortunate than me. Or even for those more fortunate, we all have our struggles even at this time of year and it’s important to recognise that, to talk about it and to not brush it under the carpet just because we feel we should be merry.
One year on, I’ve got my Christmas mojo back…kind of. Festive feasts, spangly outfits, back to back Christmas films except that now I see Christmas in a completely different light. I’m more mindful of the pressures of the festive season and how it’s not the be all and end all if you don’t feel festive (I really used to get stressed about this when I was younger). It’s really ok not to be merry because after all mental health problems, grief and loss don't stop just because it's Christmas. Do what's best for you for this Christmas period, whether that's enjoying yourself while still missing that special someone or just waiting for the time to pass by. Look after yourself and those around you. X
JUMPER: MY MUM'S | JEANS: VINTAGE LEVI'S 501