Hey. It’s been a while. I haven’t shared online for almost two months now but in real life, a lot has been going on. I started writing this blog post almost three weeks ago and today I am getting around to finishing it. The following section is unedited, written on the 1st November when I finally felt ready to put my feelings on paper about the last couple of months, which have quite frankly been the worst of my entire life.
I’ve cried. I’ve talked. I’ve screamed.
I’ve felt complete breathlessness and I’ve felt my heartbreak. I’ve felt regret. I’ve felt both lonely and showered with love. I’ve felt anger because why me? Why her? Why our family?
My mum passed away on Sunday 8th October. She was surrounded by her loving family but I will never know for sure if she knew we were there. She was a victim of a cruel, incurable disease – motor neurone disease – that I watched take her mind, body and, ultimately, breath from her far quickly than we had ever imagined. She was diagnosed on the 9th June and she was taken less than four months later, just before her 60th birthday.
I don’t really know what direction I want this post to take. In the wake of any tragedy, it is difficult to know what to do. It’s been a long time since I put fingers to keys and although I have taken mini blog breaks before, I didn’t feel I could just swing back in with a post talking about an outfit. It would feel fake.
Since writing the above, I have had something positive happen in my life.* I got a job. Fucking finally. It may not be the dream job but it’s at a company I am passionate about and the people are so bloody lovely.
It’s been a horrible couple of months. Dealing with the relocation from Montreal to London (via Bristol), job hunting and bereavement all at the same time has been so overwhelming and almost broken me at times. But for now, the first two are sorted and that’s such a relief. I just wish I could bring my mum back. I would do absolutely anything for that.
So that’s, I guess what you would call, a life update. Which actually sounds fucking terrible because writing about my mum’s death is hardly an “update”. It’s the worst news ever but as I said before, I couldn’t return to blogging without doing a post like this. I’ll be back very soon with the usual outfit posts and I want to thank you so much for coming back to read after such a long break.
Much love X
*If you’re new to Fashion Et Moi, my blog posts are not always this deep and depressing.